I am alone literally…not figuratively.
My dear hubby is pheasant hunting in South Dakota. He’s been gone since Thursday. I told him on the phone that I’m beginning to miss him :) I like to be alone for the most part. I have my own agenda that I can do on my own time. I don’t have to talk unless I want to… although I have a fair amount of conversation going on in my head!
I have been sick since last Sunday. Found out it’s a sinus infection. I have not been this sick since February 2008 when the beginnings of both physical and mental demise were apparent and the snowball started it’s slow decent down the hill until it turned into an avalanche 1 1/2 years later when I was diagnosed with bipolar . I AM NOT going there with my mind to make comparisons and let that snowball go again. It is just the time I remember. I know that I am mentally healthier because normally that’s what I would do! I make associations and imagine that because that happened then; it will happen now too. It doesn’t have to be. I view the world and my experiences now with new eyes.
Remembering back to five years ago, gives me time to reflect and see the journey I’ve been on. Many times the road has been rough and I thought I would not be able to go on. At one point I wanted to disappear. Not die; just not have to be responsible or carry the weight anymore. I had suicidal thoughts and ideation for a few months. I rapid cycled for a few months. But I persevered. I wanted to get better. I got on the right combo of meds and supplements that keep me stable. I learned mindfulness and meditation and the other tools that help keep me healthy.
I am a much different woman now in how I think, perceive, feel, and understand. I am comfortable in my own skin now instead of continually trying to be different or better. I am enough. I am.
I thank God daily for this journey; this path. I know that there is a reason for each experience of my life. My life took a huge turn in many ways due to my diagnosis of bipolar. I am a person who is in love with God and really love myself now. I accept who I am. I love others more deeply because I love myself more deeply. God has opened my eyes to the strengths I have. They’ve always been there; I just didn’t believe in myself.
I believe what God says to me:
I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have loved you and you are mine.
I don’t wonder anymore. I believe because I am.
Time to go lay back down and rest. I’m glad I can.
I decided to edit and add this relaxing into healing meditation that I just did. It’s for all kinds of healing, not just physical. Click on the Relaxing into Healing link within the website.