The journey into being

metamorphisisI am alone literally…not figuratively.

My dear hubby is pheasant hunting in South Dakota.  He’s been gone since Thursday.  I told him on the phone that I’m beginning to miss him :)  I like to be alone for the most part.  I have my own agenda that I can do on my own time.  I don’t have to talk unless I want to… although I have a fair amount of conversation going on in my head!

I have been sick since last Sunday.  Found out it’s a sinus infection.  I have not been this sick since February 2008 when the beginnings of both physical and mental demise were apparent and the snowball started it’s slow decent down the hill until it turned into an avalanche 1 1/2 years later when I was diagnosed with bipolar .  I AM NOT going there with my mind to make comparisons and let that snowball go again.  It is just the time I remember.  I know that I am mentally healthier because normally that’s what I would do!  I make associations and imagine that because that happened then; it will happen now too.  It doesn’t have to be.  I view the world and my experiences now with new eyes.

Remembering back to five years ago, gives me time to reflect and see the journey I’ve been on.  Many times the road has been rough and I thought I would not be able to go on.  At one point I wanted to disappear.  Not die; just not have to be responsible or carry the weight anymore.  I had suicidal thoughts and ideation for a few months.  I rapid cycled for a few months.  But I persevered. I wanted to get better.  I got on the right combo of meds and supplements that keep me stable.  I learned mindfulness and meditation and the other tools that help keep me healthy.

I am a much different woman now in how I think, perceive, feel, and understand.  I am comfortable in my own skin now instead of continually trying to be different or better.  I am enough.  I am.

I thank God daily for this journey; this path.  I know that there is a reason for each experience of my life.  My life took a huge turn in many ways due to my diagnosis of bipolar.  I am a person who is in love with God and really love myself now.  I accept who I am.  I love others more deeply because I love myself more deeply.  God has opened my eyes to the strengths I have. They’ve always been there; I just didn’t believe in myself.

I believe what God says to me:

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have loved you and you are mine.

I don’t wonder anymore.  I believe because I am.

Time to go lay back down and rest.  I’m glad I can.

I decided to edit and add this relaxing into healing meditation that I just did.  It’s for all kinds of healing, not just physical.  Click on the Relaxing into Healing link within the website.


7 thoughts on “The journey into being

  1. I just love how you make a negative situation into something so positive. You remind us all that we are enough and that all we have to do is believe in ourselves because God does. Wishing you lots of rest and a speedy recovery. :)

    1. Thanks Carolyn. I appreciate the sentiments. I am feeling quite poorly. My head hurts, my nose hurts, can’t believe how much mucus a head can produce. I am getting cold sores all around my nostrils. I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. I won’t take being healthy for granted…that’s for sure!

  2. I like being alone too, as you do – “have my own agenda”, but it sure would be nice for a hubby to come home to me “at the end of the day”/pheasant hunting.

    I reckon treat yourself to watching videos & a hot bath. Your sickness will pass, you know it will, so let it be & you carry on, I reckon :)

    1. thanks for your comments!! I know that this too shall pass…keep telling myself that. Unfortunately, there is nothing good on TV and I don’t know how to work the DVD player since I really don’t watch too much TV. I am going to get out my neti pot again and do another sinus wash. It keep the mucus loose!!

  3. Reblogged this on onbeingmindful and commented:

    I’m reblogging this post from last year at this time. I am sick again…It seems to come in one way or another during this time. I know it will pass and I will be healthy again. Luckily it’s just a physical illness…sinus stuff again. I’ve been mentally healthy for a long time. I haven’t had any upheaval of emotion for almost 2 months and that lasted only a day. I am so appreciative of where I’ve come from and where I’m going. I do my best to live for today and stay in the moment. One good thing about being ill is I have time to catch up on the blogs I subscribe to. I learn so much from all of you! God Bless your day.

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