I came across a blog today that gave me some food for thought.
The only way to get to the other side of this pain was to just let my emotions run their course, to feel what I was feeling as long as I needed to feel it.
OK…feel…what I’m feeling…as long as I need to feel it. I get the concept. I just don’t know how to do it. For me, some feelings are definitely equated with loss of control. Anger. Deep sadness (leads to depression in my cognitive world). I don’t let myself feel them. Or just a tiny bit then I close back up again.
Before I knew what bipolar was, I did feel those things…to extremes…scared the crap out of me that I could get so out of control.
I decided to revert back to what I learned as a little one…don’t feel.
But when I do that, I’m damaging my body. What does it do to my insides to continually deny the emotions a release?
I’ve been told by so many not to give into my feelings. If I do have to cry…schedule it…only for a period of time, say 15 minutes. Isn’t that just crazy!?!
I remember 4 years ago when I suffered loss after loss, I purposely read sad things so I could cry. Some of my friends thought I was making my grief worse. It was a way for me to get it out. I needed to cry. I needed to grieve. It was hard on my own because I didn’t know how. I read caringbridge sites. I read sad stories…I needed to let my body grieve. In the past few years I lost that capability again.
What is it about certain emotions? Why are they so hard for me? They do eventually come out…seeping through the cracks…boiling over. I remember last year laying on the massage table with tears dripping on the floor because I would miss my then psychotherapist so much because we’d terminated (I apparently met all my goals). I needed to cry. I kept stopping myself. I told myself it was stupid. How could I get so attached to someone. It really just prolonged the grief period. I pushed away those feelings all the more because I didn’t want to get depressed again. Not healthy.
My Inner Mystic said in another post
I cry because I feel a deep pain being released from my body. I cry for my body. I cry for my self.
oh, some more to think about. or better yet, stop thinking and start feeling…
- ~Grief~ (myodyssey8.wordpress.com)
- Grief (valleyroadrambler.wordpress.com)
- “Love Is Where We End Up.” Yoga for a Broken Heart with Seane Corn. (elephantjournal.com)
- The Satisfaction Of Crying Your Eyes Out (definingwonderland.wordpress.com)