On feeling…

Vale of Tears

I came across a blog today that gave me some food for thought.

My Inner Mystic had some good words about feelings in this post.

The only way to get to the other side of this pain was to just let my emotions run their course, to feel what I was feeling as long as I needed to feel it.

OK…feel…what I’m feeling…as long as I need to feel it.  I get the concept.  I just don’t know how to do it.  For me, some feelings are definitely equated with loss of control.  Anger.  Deep sadness (leads to depression in my cognitive world).  I don’t let myself feel them.  Or just a tiny bit then I close back up again.

Before I knew what bipolar was, I did feel those things…to extremes…scared the crap out of me that I could get so out of control.

I decided to revert back to what I learned as a little one…don’t feel.

But when I do that, I’m damaging my body.  What does it do to my insides to continually deny the emotions a release?

I’ve been told by so many not to give into my feelings.  If I do have to cry…schedule it…only for a period of time, say 15 minutes.  Isn’t that just crazy!?!

I remember 4 years ago when I suffered loss after loss, I purposely read sad things so I could cry.  Some of my friends thought I was making my grief worse.  It was a way for me to get it out.  I needed to cry.  I needed to grieve.  It was hard on my own because I didn’t know how.  I read caringbridge sites.  I read sad stories…I needed to let my body grieve.  In the past few years I lost that capability again.

What is it about certain emotions?  Why are they so hard for me?  They do eventually come out…seeping through the cracks…boiling over.  I remember last year laying on the massage table with tears dripping on the floor because I would miss my then psychotherapist so much because we’d terminated (I apparently met all my goals).  I needed to cry.  I kept stopping myself.  I told myself it was stupid.  How could I get so attached to someone.   It really just prolonged the grief period.  I pushed away those feelings all the more because I didn’t want to get depressed again.  Not healthy.

My Inner Mystic said in another post

I cry because I feel a deep pain being released from my body.  I cry for my body.  I cry for my self.

oh, some more to think about.  or better yet, stop thinking and start feeling…

3 thoughts on “On feeling…

  1. Wow! I’m really honored that you’ve shared my words and that they spoke to you. I can tell you this much…it was only after feeling something and going through a period of “yuck” or “sadness” that I could look back and see that the way to the other side was through. A friend shared with me, “the only way out is through.”

    I hear what you’re saying here, that sometimes we become numb to our grief and our pain. I have observed that in myself. I think it’s a coping mechanism. I think the body can only handle so much for so long.

  2. It definitely is a coping mechanism but for me it’s a coping mechanism out of control. Even when I’m very stable and doing fine in life, when a ‘negative’ perceived emotion comes up, I deny it. I’ve learned it so well. That’s what my therapist and I are working on…

  3. Oh, I’m so glad I visited your blog again. It changes how I respond to your comment on my post (Self-Sabotage and Shame). It doesn’t sound like you had the same experience of CBT at all. Actually, it sounds more like you had DBT… ?
    I whole-heartedly agree that the only way out is through.
    I feel a kindredness with others who have come to this conclusion. :)
    Thank you for blogging, Shelly and MIM.

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